The time I met Horsey Gibbons.
It was a breezy Saturday afternoon, just enough wind to mess with my hair, not enough to molest me. I was cruising around on my bicycle, exploring city streets, when I saw an old lady struggling with her groceries, “the fuck is this?” I asked myself, why isn’t there someone helping her, I creeped closer. “Hey old lady! why isn’t someone helping you?” I told her, “I’m all alone” she claimed, “don’t you have a son?” I asked “three actually, but one lives in Venezuela, one’s married to a bitch and-” “Wowowo! I don’t care” I interrupted. “Would you please help me?” she grovelled. “How do I know you’re not just going to stab me and jet off with my bike? I just got this thing, birthday present from my father, who only gives gifts to his good children and I made the list this year!” I explained, “I promise I won’t, I’m too old womany to stab anyone” she justified, “What’s the knife for then?” I inquired, “hunting purposes” she answered hurriedly, as if she was anticipating the question, “old ladies don’t hunt! AMBUSH!” I jet out of there before she could do something about it. I’ve fallen for old lady tricks before, it’s bad, they leave you naked on the street, one kidney and velcro wallet short. After that altercation I decided to cool off with some ice cream, nothing says chill like ice cream, I still don’t understand the technology behind it, how do they make it talk? it’s amazing!
So I headed down to the default friendly ice cream shoppe, spelled shoppe because it’s classy, classy to justify the ridiculous prices, so low! I get there and ask the default friendly ice cream shoppe owner for the usual, I’ve never been there before, but it’s the first thing on the menu and I’m a slow reader, it’s embarrassing. I look around, nice place, type of place Archie and the gang would hang out after prom, bunch of virgins. I hear the doorbell jingle, I turn to shut my curiosity up, when I see the prettiest ass girl your dumb imagination can come up with, nice right. She walks up next to me, smells like cinnamon, oh it’s on! “Hold the sprinkles” I smugly tell Pops, which is his name from now on, I take off my sunglasses and ask her what she’s having, “I don’t know yet, I’ve never been here before” she said cutely, “try the raspberry sorbet, I always get it, it’s my favorite.” Pops Looks at me all like ‘stop lying bro, you don’t even have a chance.’ “shut your eyes!” I rebutted with my face. “So, what’s your name?” I asked, “Horsey” she replies, cutely. “Horsey? what kind of name is Horsey?” I asked playfully, “I was named after my great grandmother, and you know how weird peoples names were back then”. ” I know, I heard about this guy called Adolf, lol!” I replied uneducatedly, she giggled, I’m in! “Don’t worry, it’s on me” I told her “oh, that’s kind of you, but I couldn’t accept” she shyly, but cutely replied, “come on, let me pay, or else I’m sure Pops was going to give it to you for free”. “My name is Henry” said Pops, “I guess it would be better if you paid” she cutely answered, “I Don’t give away free ice cream” said Pops rudely, ” why don’t you go have a seat, I’ll be right there”. She went and sat her cute little behind at the table adjacent to the window. “Listen man, I don’t have enough to cover all of this, but I’m good for it, I swear!” I told Pops ” I don’t like you, No.” Pops replied grudgingly, “Fine! keep mine, I hate you!” I walk away, what an asshole, am I right? Where was I? Oh yes, I sit opposite to Horsey, are you imagining her pretty enough? You better be! ” what’s your favorite dinosaur?” I asked her, “Argentinosaurus” she cutely answered, seriously everything she does is cute as a basket full of puppies doing back flips. “Oh my god! Mine too!” that moment I knew she was the one for me. We spoke for hours, Pops threatened to kick us out several times, we lived, learned and loled. We talked about music, philosophy and what the future held. Where is Katy Perry’s career headed? What is ‘is’? flying yachts? With every breath I took I loved her more, and with every breath she took I tried to guess what she had for lunch, was it lobster ravioli?
Pops was closing down now and so we had to leave. I feared this moment would come, what do I do? Should I just ask for her number or should I go for the gusto, it’s do or friend zone time. Naturally I chose B, lunged in for the mouth to mouth, she jerked back, “what’s wrong? Do you have a boy friend? I’ll kick his ass! Is he bigger than me?” I’m now very self conscious, “No, It’s something else, it’s embarrassing, I really like you though.” There’s a chance! “What is it? I won’t judge” I told her, “promise you won’t be upset” she said timidly, still very cute though “I promise” I lied, “I.. I have HIV” she said. “What? EWW! What in the hell?!” I freaked out “you promised you wouldn’t be upset!”, “I wasn’t, up until you told me you had monkey butt disease!” This is totally her fault right? “You’re terrible!” she shouted “And you are contagious!” I shouted right back “You know what? you’re just an asshole, I can’t believe I spent all day talking to you!” She stormed out.
I see her around town a lot ever since that day, we never seemed to patch things up, she was the one that got awAIDS.