Words

I’ve been kicked out of multiple dating sites. Match.com’s major complaint was “too many dick pixxx” and AdultFriendFinder.com reasoned “not enough”. So I come to you guys, get me a girlfriend.

Here is what I’m looking for in the person whose toothbrush I’m going to be using:

Must like laying down. I enjoy a very laid back lifestyle and would like that you do to. Also, frequent lay downs increase chances of dry humps.

Must be proficient at openly making fun of people at the mall. When I’m not laying down I like to go to the mall and poking fun of the overflowing muffin-tops of people who have no business wearing skinny jeans.

Must be well read, so I won’t have to be.

Must like animals, but not enough to want to own one. I will be the only hairy beast you will ever grow to love. RAWR!

Must enjoy the little things, like my penis.

Must be open to drug experimentation as that is the only way you’re going to be able to put up with me.

Must have Michelle Obama arms, I like to be held.

Must have curves in all the right places, none of that flatfooted business.

Must have original set of eyebrows. NO drawn on, wash off before you go to sleep stuff. I like them and I like them thick, Brooke Shields thick.

Must be supportive, ‘cause baby I just want to sing!

Words that describe my soul roommate (I don’t share my soul, I sublet):

Docile.

Business-causal.

Oprahrich.

Vision and/or hearing impaired welcome, I don’t discriminate ladies. In fact I look forward to all the crazy shenanigans to come.

Hot girl from the bar need not apply.